Its been over a year since I wrote about my life in any form except for lyrics. I’d like to think that I’ve learned a couple of lessons this year. I found the winter that just passed to be the longest and coldest of my life so far. When the sun finally came out it seemed like I hadn’t seen it in years. I moved into a house with some of the nicest people I have ever met. Its been nothing short of amazing getting to know these people, and rediscovering what you loved about people who you thought you’d written off. Thats probably lesson one for me. Never say never. The things that made you be close with someone in the first place will always be there no matter how much fucked up shit you say or do to each other in between.
Snoopy is still alive and well and living in Clonsilla. Its like hes getting younger its the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Hes 14 now and the dog doc gave him 6 months to live 3 years ago. I like to share my thoughts with him on our walks while I watch him piss on every single tree. Hes gonna die eventually but when I put him in the ground ima look for him in the clouds. Apes and humans are the only animals that lie and a dog is a mans best friend.
Mom and Dad arent doing too well. Court letters going back and forth, divorce on the cards, drinking, shouting, silence and unhappiness. Anytime I go back to their house I feel like I’m in the middle of a war. I love them both so much I just wish they loved each other. Some people don’t realise how much easier their lives would be if they just let go of the chip on their shoulder and showed some compassion. My Mom is a strong woman. She just came through a pretty serious operation but shes still a little weak. I think the older you get the more effect keyhole surgery is going to have on you. I got her name tattoo’d on my arm in a kind of I’m a manor street knacker but I still got love for you kind of way but I doubt I’ll ever show her. She hates tattoo’s.
Had some broke times this year. Everyones broke and fucked up. Been getting that government money and working 1 day every once in a while but times are hard. Had to sell drugs to pay for school no lie. I bet I’m the only fool in my law class that had to pay for it with dirty money but I guess it worked. 1,800 this law shit has cost me so far. I still owe 800 but I’m paying it off slowly working for free any days that I can and I just use my scratcher money to pay rent and buy food and smokes with. Still smokin alot of weed. Don’t really see it having any ill effect on me and neither does anyone else. Doors of perception. Its probably only a matter of time though until I lose sight of reality one way or another. Might aswell be an enjoyable journey.
Drugs are something that I would consider myself to have had a problem with. This year that legal cocaine shit came into the head shops in Ireland and people were going wild. The nights out turned into nights and days and then nights again. I probably pushed my luck with that poison and other more illegal versions a couple of times too many. I have an addictive personality but I know when I’ve overstepped my boundaries and I cop on accordingly. Some people didn’t cop on so fast and their health suffered because of it but thats life. We live and learn in different ways.
I wouldn’t really consider myself overly close with too many people at the moment. I’m still kind of distant. Cant give up the partying on the weekends, or the shows, or the practices, or college. Don’t have much time right now to get that close with anyone. Wish I could though. I feel empty still. But loneliness is a strange thing, it comes in waves and leaves again as soon as it came. There was one girl this year that could have changed everything but I guess it just didnt work out. “To explain working hard can help you maintain, to overcome the heartache and pain”.
Frustration is going pretty well. We have new songs and I really like them. We’ve done a few tours. Europe with Famine was amazing and the UK with Crossbreaker and Backtrack was an endless party. Were going over to the US this summer with Ill Intent to do a 3 week full US tour so I’m pretty excited about that. Hope it works out financially and we don’t end up homeless and broke but these are the risks we must take I guess.
I don’t really have much else to say. Its been weird going to shows the last few times. I never thought I’d actually feel old at a show but I did pretty recently. Its amazing seeing something that me and a few others started with 20 people going to shows trying to hold it down blossom into something with infinite potential. I see so many strong characters in those rooms now. I see alot less of the bullshit that I see in the American and English hardcore scenes. Less trendiness, less hostility towards each other. Im proud of it. Proud of all the people and the bands. I hope it lasts forever. I’m not going to be going to shows forever but its one thing I couldnt live without right now and I dont see myself stopping anytime in the near future. If you still enjoy it and its still fresh then theres no reason to stop doing it right? Not anytime soon anyway. If you dont understand the feeling of singing along, moshing or acting the lad then you simply dont get it and you probably never will.
Overall life is a dissapointment. It doesnt contain any of the magic I imagined it would when I was growing up. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. But there are some days that just make it all worthwhile. There are some faces and people that make it all worthwhile. I don’t know whats going to happen next year but I hope I see some of the same faces and I hope I get taken to some of the places that I used to love.
Nelly