Words

How come late at night you feel depressed and sad? Is it your brains way of telling you that you’ve run out of seratonin or something and you need to sleep to produce more? I dont really understand why my mind works the way it does. Been getting very angry at myself when I get drunk these days. On saturday night I punched loads of things on the way home from town and ended up hurting my hand. Feel like a gimp. Been thinking about stopping drinking and smoking weed but I am going to Vancouver in 3 weeks and on tour in 5 weeks so that is not very likely. Maybe for a while when I get back. We shall see.

I don’t wanna be dressed in all black for you. 

My brain keeps making decisions that lead me to solitude. Wahhhhh.

Its been over a year since I wrote about my life in any form except for lyrics. I’d like to think that I’ve learned a couple of lessons this year. I found the winter that just passed to be the longest and coldest of my life so far. When the sun finally came out it seemed like I hadn’t seen it in years. I moved into a house with some of the nicest people I have ever met. Its been nothing short of amazing getting to know these people, and rediscovering what you loved about people who you thought you’d written off. Thats probably lesson one for me. Never say never. The things that made you be close with someone in the first place will always be there no matter how much fucked up shit you say or do to each other in between.

Snoopy is still alive and well and living in Clonsilla. Its like hes getting younger its the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Hes 14 now and the dog doc gave him 6 months to live 3 years ago. I like to share my thoughts with him on our walks while I watch him piss on every single tree. Hes gonna die eventually but when I put him in the ground ima look for him in the clouds. Apes and humans are the only animals that lie and a dog is a mans best friend.

Mom and Dad arent doing too well. Court letters going back and forth, divorce on the cards, drinking, shouting, silence and unhappiness. Anytime I go back to their house I feel like I’m in the middle of a war. I love them both so much I just wish they loved each other. Some people don’t realise how much easier their lives would be if they just let go of the chip on their shoulder and showed some compassion. My Mom is a strong woman. She just came through a pretty serious operation but shes still a little weak. I think the older you get the more effect keyhole surgery is going to have on you. I got her name tattoo’d on my arm in a kind of I’m a manor street knacker but I still got love for you kind of way but I doubt I’ll ever show her. She hates tattoo’s.

Had some broke times this year. Everyones broke and fucked up. Been getting that government money and working 1 day every once in a while but times are hard. Had to sell drugs to pay for school no lie. I bet I’m the only fool in my law class that had to pay for it with dirty money but I guess it worked. 1,800 this law shit has cost me so far. I still owe 800 but I’m paying it off slowly working for free any days that I can and I just use my scratcher money to pay rent and buy food and smokes with. Still smokin alot of weed. Don’t really see it having any ill effect on me and neither does anyone else. Doors of perception. Its probably only a matter of time though until I lose sight of reality one way or another. Might aswell be an enjoyable journey.

Drugs are something that I would consider myself to have had a problem with. This year that legal cocaine shit came into the head shops in Ireland and people were going wild. The nights out turned into nights and days and then nights again. I probably pushed my luck with that poison and other more illegal versions a couple of times too many. I have an addictive personality but I know when I’ve overstepped my boundaries and I cop on accordingly. Some people didn’t cop on so fast and their health suffered because of it but thats life. We live and learn in different ways.

I wouldn’t really consider myself overly close with too many people at the moment. I’m still kind of distant. Cant give up the partying on the weekends, or the shows, or the practices, or college. Don’t have much time right now to get that close with anyone. Wish I could though. I feel empty still. But loneliness is a strange thing, it comes in waves and leaves again as soon as it came. There was one girl this year that could have changed everything but I guess it just didnt work out. “To explain working hard can help you maintain, to overcome the heartache and pain”.

Frustration is going pretty well. We have new songs and I really like them. We’ve done a few tours. Europe with Famine was amazing and the UK with Crossbreaker and Backtrack was an endless party. Were going over to the US this summer with Ill Intent to do a 3 week full US tour so I’m pretty excited about that. Hope it works out financially and we don’t end up homeless and broke but these are the risks we must take I guess.

I don’t really have much else to say. Its been weird going to shows the last few times. I never thought I’d actually feel old at a show but I did pretty recently. Its amazing seeing something that me and a few others started with 20 people going to shows trying to hold it down blossom into something with infinite potential. I see so many strong characters in those rooms now. I see alot less of the bullshit that I see in the American and English hardcore scenes. Less trendiness, less hostility towards each other. Im proud of it. Proud of all the people and the bands.  I hope it lasts forever. I’m not going to be going to shows forever but its one thing I couldnt live without right now and I dont see myself stopping anytime in the near future. If you still enjoy it and its still fresh then theres no reason to stop doing it right? Not anytime soon anyway. If you dont understand the feeling of singing along, moshing or acting the lad then you simply dont get it and you probably never will.

Overall life is a dissapointment. It doesnt contain any of the magic I imagined it would when I was growing up. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. But there are some days that just make it all worthwhile. There are some faces and people that make it all worthwhile. I don’t know whats going to happen next year but I hope I see some of the same faces and I hope I get taken to some of the places that I used to love.

Nelly

Every day of my life I searched for you
Searched so much that I gave up looking
I broke my quiet routine to break the distance
Got to grips with trains and buses
Midnight hipster clubs and late night last call rushes
Monday morning airports in the rain

The fog lifted from overhanging everything
The days that time forgot
The heart that I forgot

I have nothing left to lose
Except these shadows behind my eyes
I have nothing left to lose
Except these clouds inside my mind
And I would give up on everything
Just to have you lay here with me

There is so much pain in the world. So many short sighted people who can’t see past whats in front of their eyes. I am too fucking sensitive. I let peoples actions and words hurt me when I should just be cold as fuck to most people. I keep having more fun in my dreams than I do in my normal life, so recently I have been sleeping alot. Wow, thats sad. If I lived in America, they would say I have issues.

“Its a cold world better bring a fuckin bomber jacket”

In the unemployment lines I’ve felt it. Growing like a cancer in this lifeless place. In their saddened eyes you can see the traces, the ghosts of hope on tired faces. Yeah man I feel it too, whats left of me and you? Just to know you’ll never be the same, without that dope runnin through your veins.

And man I feel my brothers pain, the world has him in twisted chains. No chance to raise a family. Inherent evil in humanity. I feel it in my bones. I think theyre smoking out this city, because the governments fucked and the banks are corrupt and that poor mans life just aint worth livin. But our poor mens lives we’ll keep on livin.

The world it speaks to me in tongues that I don’t understand. Why have I been seeing death in the faces of my friends. Brick by brick, I’m tearing it down. The room we used to sleep in. The family that loved you. That day we spent beside the pier. I will live alone and smoke the memory of you away. You’ve been gone 3 years. I can’t breathe without you here.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to see your face at my front door. At 2am in the pouring rain, whispering life just ain’t the same. Life just ain’t the same.

Its been almost two months since I updated this motherfucker. I never really write regular updates anyway I always just scrawl a couple of lyrics down every so often but I guess its time for a proper one. Work is slow these days I guess because of the recession so I’ve been sitting around trying to keep myself busy but failing miserably. My Dad called me up at the end of January and told me he bought me a 300 Euro car for my birthday but its almost 2 months later and I haven’t seen shit. So I guess that ain’t comin.

I am feeling kinda lonely these days. I feel very isolated where I live. I miss my friends in Vancouver alot. My buddy Josh called me to tell me he is going back to Vancouver next week after leaving the same time as me to go home to Australia. He got a job on the set of Twilight part 2 or some shit. Lucky bastard. One thing that has been good about being home is I have been able to form a really good friendship with my man Lee Brown. Dude is the best of the best. We’ve been hanging on the regular whenever I can get him to crawl out of that Bawn Og ghetto. What a shithole he lives in.

Focussing on the positives for a second, Frustration is going really well. We have a couple of dates coming up in the UK with Dirty Money, Reign Supreme, 50 Lions, Ritual, Brutality Will Prevail and a couple of other deadly bands so that is good. Also we have an English lable looking to put out a 7″ for us. More to come on that shit later.

Myself and Lee Brown have decided to start up a clothing company. There is a serious gap in the market for that shit here. Our first design is coming back next week. Mike Shantz from Drop Dead hooked us up and hopefully itll look good. Cold Life Clothing dropping real soon. Look out for it. Before you know it me and Brownlove will be getting paid to smoke weed all day and think of ideas for shirts.

My dog Snoopy is 13 this year. Half Shitzu (thats definitely not how you spell it) and half Cairn Terrier, half deaf and half blind, half ewok and half canine. I’ve been spending alot of time with that motherfucker seem as hes on his serious last legs. When he dies I’m going to put him on a dingy and send him down the Royal Canal on fire, Viking style.

Been hanging with my Mom a good bit too. She makes my life worth living. My best friend and the strongest woman I know. In terms of escapism I’ve been watching The Wire loads and listening to lots of music. Lots of Hip Hop. Honourable mentions go to Gucci Man, Plies and Young Jeezy for going into serious detail about drug dealing. Love that shit. Also Crowbar, lots of Crowbar. Best band ever. In terms of local hardcore there is some serious shit coming out. The Blinds EP is so good, New Famine album is dropping soon. Find A Ways new recordings are amazing. Looking forward to first shows from Forced out and The Blind. Also check out Bacchus from Galway.

This dude I used to hang around with in school commited suicide last saturday. Hadn’t spoken with him in 3 or 4 years. It pissed me off that people were calling him selfish for doing it. My stance on this has never changed, the world is a shit, fucked up place and if you can’t take it. I don’t blame you. Its just sad to lose a friend thats all. RIP Donal AKA Gobbles. You were always a buzzer.

Friendships are strange things. Sometimes you think you know someone so well and then enough time and silence can pass until it seems like they are complete strangers again. As I’m getting older I’m realising how short life actually is and so much of the shit that people think matters actually doesn’t. In the end all that really matters is friendship and memory. I try to be a good person, more than I used to anyway. Sometimes I fall short but I guess everyone does. I am still searching for something that I cannot seem to put my finger on but I guess I’ll always be searching. Seekers of the truth. I just got that tattoo’d on me. Its an old DFR tattoo and all those dudes got it years ago but it speaks to me in the present. I miss DFR. I miss the shows and the partys. I miss feeling like no one could hurt me emotionally or physically. Even if it was all in my head. I’ve been hurt alot in the last few weeks. Mostly no ones fault but my own for trusting the wrong people. Either way I’ll leave all that for a different day. I don’t wanna pull a Wicked Owl.

Watch out for those FEMA motherfuckers.

Peace

Born into a world of pain where they cover up the roses so they all look the same. Couldn’t give a heartless fuck if I live or die, so I look hopelessly to the sky for a reason why.

It’s been haunting me for years. The truth hiding behind every door. Behind every wall theres a clue. Howling at the silent moon. Shouting only brings the mob to my door, disgracing me for questioning. So I whisper to myself; Is there anyone who feels like me, feels like their distractions are not enough to bring you to your knees. I am a lost soul on a ship towards anywhere but eternity, anywhere but what you call sanity and anywhere but bended knee. How can you walk through life like you do? Without second guessing and shallow breathing. So I’m alone in a in a death parade singing “If you don’t open your eyes my friend, then the sun will never rise my friend”. Just don’t open them too far because you’ll end up dead like all the rest. Suicide souls stuck outside in the Irish cold, and they’ll call you lazy and selfish for breaking the mould.